Beginnings, etc.

This blog post will likely err on the short side, because (ironically enough) I need to start the paper that determines if I graduate this June or not.

Not starting projects until the last minute (with the exception of playing music, but even that I have trouble with starting) has become almost second nature to me. It's so easy not to start because by not starting, I'm not subjecting myself to any kind of critique or the opinion of anyone else. As mentioned in my previous blog post, a lot of what I think of myself rides on what other people think of me, but I'm still scared to know what those opinions could be. I'm slowly finding that the reasoning behind most of the ways I behave, whether it be in my work ethic, creative process, and even in my relationships is highly fear based. I am terrified of what other people think because my own opinions on anything and everything is not rooted to any one side, making my thoughts easily persuadable by almost anyone (on the same tangent, I'm glad that my thoughts on humanitarian matters don't function the same way. I can't imagine what I would be like if they did). I'm petrified constantly, whether I realize it or not, and beginning things is no exception to this rule.  To avoid acknowledging and dealing with the fear, I do things to numb my brain up a bit. This includes, but is in no way limited to, surfing social media, knitting, watching cooking shows, and sleeping. These things require either little thought or distract me from thinking about things that subject me to outside opinion, which is nice for a little while, especially for relaxing, but is toxic when it comes to being productive. So, the question that remains, is how do I actually get things done when it's necessary to?

It takes nothing short of a metaphorical gun to my head to get started on things. I need the "do or die" pressure to force myself into actually doing things. That's when I really get cracking on tasks of any kind. The problem with that, however, is that that kind of pressure doesn't come into play until the last minute. So it makes me wonder if a lot of the things I do suffer in quality because I do things this way. It could be a too little too late sort of thing, and if I started things earlier, quality could increase if I worked on things over time with the same mentality. I need to stop relying on that horrible pressure, or find a way to simulate it. That's what is stumping me about this whole starting things.

Fear and Such Things.

Fear, as I've now read some more and have thought a little more deeply about, is something that is the root of almost every problem that I run into. I put off papers until the last minute because I'm scared that if I have too much time I'll overthink and ruin things, I don't record myself when I practice the bassoon because I know the reality of what my sound is is not as good as the reality of my sound in my head, and I put off all forms of art making constantly because I know someone is going to see it. They'll see it and they'll have thoughts on it, and the thoughts of others have serious weight on my own opinions of my work. In fact, that's how I navigate through life- I wait for the opinion's of others on something I've done, no matter what it is, until I form an opinion. Sometimes there are exceptions, and often what someone thinks of my work and then how I perceive it usually coincide, but sometimes the opinions don't meet. They clash--yet I seem to not care when that happens. I mold my own thoughts to the thoughts of those outside of the work. Because I must have some sort of bias, right? I am attached to the work, there's a piece of me in there. People outside the work must be able to better interpret things than I can because they see things from an objective point of view, while I see my work through a lens clouded by the vision that I want my work to emulate.  Therefore, the opinions of the outside world have more weight than my own, according to me. Correct?

I have no idea.

To clear things up, the inability for me to work I think comes from the fear of presenting things, and in turn the opinions of other on what I make. So what I'm really scared of, I think, is the opinions of others. That's an obvious reason for why I don't blog. It's not that I'm not writing, I journal and have blog drafts saved, I just know that once it goes onto the internet, there's no taking it back. It's something that people are going to see. That's a thought I can't stand. Since I'm not confident in my own work, it's hard to release for others to see. Without my own set opinion, the uncertainty factor becomes too great and the fear of negative reception takes over and work either remains undone or it sits collecting dust. This raises a lot of questions, but one stands above the rest. Does the opinions of others regarding what I make actually matter?

To simply put it, yes. To elaborate, opinions of other people matter, but certainly not as much as I think they do. With the right audience, critiques can be helpful and enlightening. They're not the be all end all of a piece of work, but can offer insight. But since I don't even have a halfway firm opinion about almost any of my work, looking for the next level insight viewers can offer is out of reach. I think this is an issue of self confidence, and that's where this fear stems from. Find the confidence, and I think the fear will subside.