Man, today really fucking sucked. I usually never have shitty days, but I felt so miserable, and I'm sure it showed. I felt so distant from everything and everyone, as if I couldn't even talk. It was a hard day.

But then I got home. Relieved, I took a breath, and sat down and read for a little. It made the day a bit better. After that, I went to MYO (if you haven't already heard me talking about it because I never shut up about all the after school music I do because that's what takes up so much of my time, MYO is the Metropolitan Youth Orchestra and I sing in the Youth Chorale. Boys, if you're interested come join!). And man, something just clicked tonight. Immediately as soon as we started rehearsing, I felt immensely better. There was this intense sense of togetherness, connectedness. There was passion,  pure joy for the fact that choral music exists, and that we can get together for two and a half hours every week and express ourselves through it. I've realized that singing to me is such a relief to have, it makes me feel so much better. And to sing with other people that care about it as much as you do...it's truly a gift. As I look for words to describe how I feel about it, I realize there aren't any. I mean, I feel even better after a choir rehearsal or really nailing a piece than I do after nailing a bassoon solo or not screwing up in orchestra.

Just, wow.


It feels so wonderful to have something like that. Really.

Question Set Number Two.

1.How much time did you spend working?
     -I spent maybe, five or so hours writing (counting all that writing I ended up not using), and then about a hour and a half to two hours rehearsing, which was all I needed to feel pretty comfortable with the script.

2. How much time did you spend thinking about the work - sort of sitting there and staring at it, or listening to it over and over again, etc.?
    -Oh man, I spent a lot of time doing this. I'd give that a good two hours. I would go home and just read it over and over and over again, or say it over and over and over again. 


3. How much time did you spend doing other stuff that seems like work to that make you think you're working but you're not?
     -I don't think a whole lot. Every once in a while I would go back to reword sentences, usually just so I felt better about the way it flowed, which isn't usually necessary until the end. But I would be in the middle of writing and have to go back on fix it. I would also stop writing and watch the Delta Spirit music video over and over again, to give me something that I was looking for, but it never really helped all that much. It kind of wasted time.
4. How much time did you spend socializing?
     -The first day I spent very little time socializing. I sat and wrote. And it worked. The second, I slacked a little, but I still got some stuff done in class and a little more at home. Third day, I worried. I frantically wrote for some of class, but for most of it I tried to keep my mind off that project. Fourth day, I buckled down, and tried to do what I wanted to do, but just realized there wasn't enough time. So then I really shut myself up and worked on plan B.


5. How did you use your community?
     -I didn't use too much community on this project. I just used Anika and Jess and constant sounding boards because I was very unsure of all of this. So whenever I would write something, or even read something, I would have them listen, and they were both extremely understanding of it all.


6. Rip apart your awful project and how did such a disaster happen?
     -This project was nowheres near what it could have been. If I got my butt into gear a bit more, I could have pulled off that video I wanted to in the beginning. But since I couldn't even get through the writing portion, there was no way I would be able to it. And it made me so disappointed in myself. It could have been so much more, there could have been so much more substance there. The monologue was not the best, and I admit to that. It was almost standard but not quite. The acting could have been a bit more if I would learn how to control my voice, and my nerves. I have to stop getting so nervous over everything.


7. You've completed a step on your path. What is your next step?
     -The next step? I want there to be more acting, in fact, I want to learn the mechanics of scripts. I remember one day last year during the intensives, the writers sat in on one of the acting classes and we did some tablework with them. I want to start learning about that, and just act more in general and not go so blindly into things anymore. That's what acting has always been for me, that sense of  "here's a script, now read". I want more than that, I want to not feel lost.

Question Set Number One.

1.You've worked on a group film and on your own. In which situation are you most comfortable - group or solo? Which do you work best in?
     -I feel extremely comfy in group situations, because I don't have to lead in them. And if you haven't noticed by now, I am no good at leading things. So when I get to work with other people and bounce ideas off them yet not have to lead, I feel at home.  However, I think I get a lot more done, and truly work better by myself. Though I'm constantly worrying about everything I do, the product almost always turns out swell.

2.What did you learn that you expected to learn?
     -I learned how to critique myself. How to actually listen to something I've written, take it in, and fix what needs to be fixed. It is slowly getting easier for me to listen to my own work, to read it over again and again, and to edit it without feeling like crap. It's not quite entirely there, but it's getting there.

3. What did you learn that you didn't expect to learn?  
     -That I have more courage than I thought I did. All of Friday, I was dreading performing. I felt sick to my stomach. I tried thinking of ways to get me out of doing it (to no avail, obviously). So as my turn slowly approached, I could feel my heart pounding  and my stomach churning. And then Jessica went, blew me away, and that was the last straw. I felt nerves quite honestly pulsating through my body, and was frantically looking for a way out of doing this. But then, it came. I had to go. So through those tears, I went. I shook it off and did it. I usually just back out of things. But there was no way to back out, so I did it. I'm glad I worked up a bit of bravery. I also learned that any kind of art is completely and utterly autobiographical. This monologue really brought that to my attention.


4.What didn't you learn that you expected to learn?
     -I didn't learn if I could pull off a bunch of solid monologues. That's really what I wanted to get from this project, to get better at writing monologues because I've never been too good at it. But I think I eked out one done well, if that counts for anything.


5. Praise your amazing achievement and explain your brilliant plan for pulling it off.
     -Oh man, I am not going to lie, I was so proud of myself for staying up there and not giving up despite all those tears. Giving up probably wasn't an option, but I didn't care. If I had to describe those for days in two words, it would be bold optimism. That's the best thing I got out of this. I kept saying to myself "I will do this, and it will be good!" while writing, while practicing, and even while performing. It's what kept me going. And man, did I go. That monologue turned out to be more heartfelt and hurtful than I had ever planned, and that certainly wasn't the way I rehearsed it. That character was supposed to be indifferent. But I am so happy with the way it turned out. Because it made me uncomfortable, I think it even made you guys uncomfortable. That's the risk I wanted to take, and I did.

Working Journal: Day Two.

What inspired me to work today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va0ezWC2du4

That song has inspired me to keep working. Actually, it has inspired the entire project. There is just some sort of appeal to that song and video that reels me in, and makes me question the entire thing. I can't help but wonder what happens, and that's why I like it so much. I cannot get it off my mind, and I'm hoping using it as my project inspiration will help me cope with whatever is going on with the song and all my feelings towards it, because it's starting to bug me a bit.

Side note, I'm hoping to get some filming done tomorrow.

Going to keep it short for today, until tomorrow!

Working Journal: Day One.

Today was...interesting, to say the least.

I sat down to write out this video diary of sorts that I'm doing, and suddenly I was completely struck with panic. I felt that I couldn't write what I wanted to, that whatever I would put down would never be good enough to please myself, or to make someone sit and think, which is my goal while writing. But today, I was sitting in front of a computer screen typing and deleting and retyping and deleting again because I wasn't pleased. Every time I went to go back over my work, I just wanted to sit there and cry because I felt inadequate in a way I have honestly never felt, and I really hated it.

I have never been so unsure of my own writing as I was today.

Maybe it's because I know I'm going to be saying these things for you all to hear. That I am going to let you hear what I have to say, what my creative mind is thinking, and it's so frightening to me. If some of you recall from last year, whenever I would hear my plays being read, I wouldn't look at the actors. I wouldn't listen. I always felt a painful sensation inside my chest. I didn't want to hear my own words, for some reason or another. And to think that I am going to be acting out my own writing is a thing that scares me to no end.

But nonetheless,  I will do it. Come hell or high water, I am determined to get this done. And it will be good! Bold Optimism, right?

On another note, I did get a decent amount of writing done today. I might end up scraping it and redoing it again, but I still have something there to work with, which is somewhat comforting. Now that all the nerves are out, I'm thinking tomorrow will be much better. I want to get all the writing for this  done by the end of the day tomorrow, so I have some time to film and do some minimal editing.

Until tomorrow.

My Creative Past.

1. What was the first creative moment you remember?

This probably wasn't my first, but I remember when I was seven or eight and had just started playing bass clarinet. I was really excited about it, and my teacher at the time had given me a solo to work on. I wasn't the biggest fan of it, so I figured, how hard could it possibly be to write a song? So I gave it a go. It was called "Bear Dance" and it wasn't very good, but considering I was seven and knew (and still know) nothing about how to compose a piece of music, I'm impressed I got as far as I did.

2. Was there anyone there to witness it or appreciate it?

No. It was just me, alone in my room, trying to figure out how to compose. I never even showed it to my parents, but I liked it that way. I always shared everything I did with them, and this was the first time I didn't.

3.What is the best idea you've ever had?

The best idea? Probably the Come and Play with a Kitten Center. It's where there's a place (basically a giant playground built for kittens) for people to come and play with kittens. There would also be an option to adopt. It could also apply to puppies.

4. What made it great in your mind?
Though very impractical, it's a great idea because so many people can't have pets because either they don't want the troubles of a pet or someone in the family is allergic. This would be a great place for them to come and play with kittens, and then not worry about taking care of them. And if they really wanted to, they could adopt.

5. What is the dumbest idea you've ever had?
I am always thinking of really stupid things. The worst was probably the puppy parkour training center.  That would just lead to a lot of animal injuries. (Also, I seem to do a lot of thinking about what to do with  animals. I honestly don't know why.)

6. What made it stupid?
Besides the fact that I could kill a lot of dogs in the process? It would really serve no purpose. It'd just be another dumb trick your dog could do.

7.Can you connect the dots that led you this idea?
Well, I remember I was in gym class with Jessica, and we were talking about  parkour training and whatnot. Then, it just came to me. It sounded good in  my mind and then I really started developing the idea, and then realized how stupid it really was.

Now We're getting Somewhere.

Didn't work on the film project today. I really did not feel like doing anything with it, especially since no one else in my little collaborative group was in today.

So I watched a little bit of Run  Lola Run. Saw up to where she gets kicked out of her father's office, and I'm really enjoying it so far.

Read Julian and Jessica's scripts, and hopefully gave them some good feedback. I'd like to think I did.

But, as I was going over one of the scripts, Julie asked me to stand up and help her with a few things she wanted to try for her dance. And I thought "what harm could it do, it's not like she wants me to be in it."
And then, the unthinkable happened.
She asked me to be in her dance with her. My head was screaming at me not to do it, but my mouth said otherwise. Truly, I'm glad I did. Life's no fun without trying some new stuff and without breaking a few of your own personal boundaries. I'm still a bit hazy on what it's really about, but that will be figured out probably tomorrow. This side project is going to be great, I'm sure of it.

Project Update #5: Now We're Getting Somewhere!

Well today was pretty productive.

Today, Anika, Megan and I tackled the problem of how to keep the position of the model's face (aka my face) the same throughout the stop motion. We came up with ideas along the lines of taping my face down, tying me down, and other things that didn't really seem to get to where we wanted. Somehow, from there, we ended up with the idea of using a block of wood to keep my head in the same position, and that sounded pretty plausible, so we ventured into the STAC room to look for some wood. Upon going in there, we found some wood, but I saw some fishing line and wondered, "well why can't we use that?" So I brought up the idea to the both of them and we decided to test it out. And for the most part, it worked pretty well at keeping the face straight. Now all we need to do is figure out how to keep the strings from showing, but this method is pretty darn effective. Tomorrow, we'll be testing this with the actual makeup.

Update #4: Ironing.

Today Was spent ironing out the details of our project, and a little more research on stop motions was done. We've finally decided on the five makeup looks we're going to do (20's, 50's, 60's 70's, 80's and I don't remember the last one). Five seemed like a rational number, given the amount of time we have. One really big problem we're encountering with this project is we don't know WHO to use. Why is this a problem? Beats me. It seems that Anika's reasoning is that using one of us would make the entire thing much harder because this could easily be done with three people, and not so easily with two. But I don't want to put anyone out or prevent them from working on their own projects because  that would be inconsiderate, and I think that this is going to take quite some time.  Next time we work on this, it's time for storyboarding.

Tough Stuff.

For the past couple of days, Anika and I have been experimenting with the stop motion portion of our video, and realized it's a lot harder than at least I thought. Some things we learned from experimenting with this is that 1.Consistent lighting and positioning is crucial, and the positioning is not going to be easy. I still need to learn a little more about that. 2. To make a stop motion, you need a lot of pictures. I mean A LOT, to make the film have some kind of flow. So we really have our work cut out for us, but I'm still pretty excited to keep working at this. Oh, and my mind is currently being blown by the wonderful Umberto Eco. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. But that's okay, it makes me want to get through the not one, but the two of his books I've decided dive into. So far the history of beauty is packed full of ideas of what beauty truly is and I love reading up on this, no matter what. Tough stuff ain't always bad stuff.

Project Update #2: Time to be Frank.

I'm gonna be honest.

I got very little done today.

I watched the video Anika posted on her blog, about beauty from the victorian era onwards, and it gave me some ideas for the things I want to incorporate into this project, but that was about it. And I realized I really need a side project, but I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. Probably something with playwriting, I keep having ideas for scenes.

Project Update #1.

Today, Anika and I began finalize what we want our project for this quarter to be. It was a long evolution to finally get where we are now. First, we started with the idea of "pushing boundaries" through photography, such as putting out of the ordinary make  up styles on people and making it beautiful. Then, we got some sense knocked into by Luke, and ended up with the question "what is beauty?" We went through several ideas on that, but none we were entirely satisfied with until we hit the idea of evolution of beauty. I don't think we're entirely sure of the format, maybe stop motion, video, or maybe even just stills, but we want to show how the one image of beauty has evolved through time, how it's always just a fad, and that achieving this image that doesn't exist is impossible. So we'll get ahold of things such as corsets, waxing kits, and bandages for foot binding and show one of us trying to do to make ourselves "beautiful" by putting ourselves in/doing these things. But at the end of this video, we'll show how we're okay with ourselves the way we are, and that changing yourself is futile, because as cheesy as it sounds, everyone's beautiful the way they are. Truly. At least to me everyone is.

I'm excited to start working on this. Really Excited.

Side note: While doing Research, we were told to check out Umberto Eco, who wrote about the history of beauty in art, and also wrote about how we view ugliness. I'm not sure how much he still applies to this project, but what I found about out about these books seemed incredibly interesting, so I ordered both and cannot wait to read them.

STAC Intensive in Review.

The STAC playwriting intensive pushed me farther than I’ve ever been pushed to get good at something- and get good at it as quick as possible. Two weeks, to be exact. Now, I realize that at the end of these two weeks no one was expected to be a professional. However, by the time I was done, it was stunning to see the difference between my playwriting skills prior to the intensive and then afterwards; I am now a completely different playwright than before. And there a just a few key things that made that change possible.

            Playwriting, as I’ve come to learn, isn’t something that can truly be taught. You learn playwriting by simply writing plays. The one of the things a teacher can do with playwriting is to tell a student is to get it done. Start a scene and finish it. No if’s, and’s or but’s, sit down and bang a play out. This technique is without a doubt beneficial to me. Before, I could spend five hours writing a play and only have two pages of crap because I would sit around, thinking too hard about what decision a character should make, then second-guessing it, and having Armageddon in my head about whether or not the character should just take a sip of water. With the “get shit done” method, I went with whatever came to mind first and stuck with it until the script was done. Then, I would go back and reevaluate the decisions I’d made, but not as in depth as before. This technique was introduced to me the very first day of intensives, when we were told to bang out a fight scene, six pages in length. Then, take that scene and cut it down it three pages. Finally, take those three pages and cut it down to a single page. Due by the end of that period. At first, I was in a complete stupor in front of a computer for a good ten minutes. Then, I told myself just it get it done, and did. The writing gets all your thoughts out on the page, and then the cutting down helps you to realize what’s needed and what isn’t needed, which I find to be an extremely efficient method.

            Along with fights come apologies. After we finished our few fight scenes, we were assigned to write a couple different types of apologies. This is where the next method factored in; that with anything, you can approach it in a few different ways. We were assigned to write an apology in two different ways; one being a direct, complete apology that addresses all the problems within the fight, and the other way being an indirect apology, a way of apologizing where someone doesn’t come right out and say “I’m sorry,” but they might treat the other person involved in said fight nicer, or do something out of the ordinary for them. I found that this is also a way to approach writing an entire scene or script. You can either get straight to the point an address the conflicts outright, or you can beat around the bush and make the main conflicts not as obvious. We tried the “beating around the bush” method when the playwrights were assigned to copy Harold Pinter’s style of writing, who is the king of being indirect in his writing. Being indirect during scriptwriting is extremely challenging for me, and truthfully, it’s been unsuccessful so far. This was not helpful for me at all, and now I tend to try and stay away from it. But it’s good to know what’s good for you and what’s not though, so this experimentation with the style was not wasted time at all.

            One last piece of intensives that we learned was the most excruciating experience that I have ever been through. Having the scripts we’ve written read aloud. This was the absolute worst part of it all, and I despise having my script that’s absolutely perfect in my head be unknowingly massacred by innocent actors, also known as “deformed-baby syndrome”. Deformed-baby syndrome is when you’re hearing a play you’ve written read aloud for the first time, and your perfect gem of a baby turns into a creature with three arms and eight eyes, otherwise known as a deformed baby. The feeling of working hard on a play to make it just the way you want it, or just the way you thought you wanted it, only to have it butchered is extremely disheartening; but also extremely helpful. After hearing what you’ve written said by someone else, you realize what sounds good, what doesn’t sound good, what’s just plain awkward, and where there are gaps in what you’ve written. For me, this was like nails on a chalkboard every time we did this. I would even cringe a little bit at the beginning of each line, because I hate having anything I’ve written read aloud. Despite that, I was carefully listening to what the actors were saying, and how they interpreted what I’d written. I took this under consideration while revising, and found it to work in my favor. As much as I hate this process, there’s no denying that it’s the most helpful tactic that was presented to me during intensives.

            Much of playwriting is impossible to teach, it’s simply just something you’ve got to figure out yourself. But, the tools to help you figure out the mysteries of playwriting can be given to you, and that’s exactly what was given to me during intensives. All in all, the tactics and techniques helped me tremendously in becoming an exponentially better playwright in just a short amount of time.

Over scheduled.

I've recently come to realize that I'm overbooked, despite the fact that I have had friends try and convince of me this fact many times over. It had never gotten through my thick skull. "I can do it," I always repeat, "I've got everything under control," I'd say, yawning and putting my head down during class from lack of sleep the night before. But the truth?

My life is spinning out of control.

And that now makes sense to me. I get it. But more importantly, I don't understand why I do this to myself. Is there some explanation for this? Why can't I say "no"? Is this some odd case of gluttony? The worst thing about this is I can't actually muster up the courage to quit any of this. It would leave me feeling so much remorse, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

How do I fix this Mess I've gotten myself into? I guess for right now, I have to hold my head up high and bear through it. Bold Optimism.

Back to the Start.

Well, we're into our second week of intensives...
Is anyone else ridiculously tired, but kind of loving it? Just me? Okay.

Anyways, playwriting has both been a great deal of fun and a challenge for me. Mostly a challenge, now that I think about it. But a side effect of all this practicing is actually getting better.
...Or so I thought.
Having Luke tell us what to write about, and then giving us a few periods to bang it out is good. It's productive, and overall made for a good product. But as soon as my reigns were loosened, things are starting to fall apart. I'm feeling as if I've returned to square one, as if all that work that was completed last week has just gone down the drain.

I know I can do this.
I know I can get better.
There's no way in hell I'm letting these last two weeks go to waste.
It's time to really kick it into high gear.

Expressionism?

      Expressionism to me is the release of forbidden feelings. We, as people, keep dark, morbid, and depressing things to ourselves for the most part, and I think that expressionists use either painting, film, dance, theatre, etc. to lighten their souls. And truthfully, most anything that is expressionist looks like it came out the depths of hell. Expressionism is this dark and cruel experience that makes you feel things and emotions that you probably haven't felt, and definitely don't like. To be honest, this art movement does scare me a bit, but more than that, it intrigues me. I can't help but want to know more about it, to find more expressionist pieces from when the movement originated and modern examples. And as I was thinking about this, I remembered, Dana Schutz.

"Presentation" (one of my favorites of her work).

      A little while back, I went up to visit my brother at Purchase and decided to go visit the museum on campus, The Neuberger. Upon walking in, I found that the museum had a collection of her work on display. Trust me, seeing her work on display is enough to make anyone turn back around and leave immediately. And honestly, I almost did just that. But something about her sucked me in, to look at everything there. I did just that. All of her work has the same grotesque quality to it, and everything I saw was horrific. Stunningly morbid, depressing, and terrifying. Yet like anything that has these qualities, I just couldn't stop looking at these. I think that this piece, as with any by her is expressionist. She brings feelings of exposure and nakedness mixed with death into this and it's wild.

Expressionism is terrifying to me.

But I want to know everything about it.