Some Worries and a Workshop.

Recently, I've been having a slew of worries concerning my future. This has been going on for a while now, and I've been able to build up some defense against these looming, dark thoughts. But Saturday, that wall had blown to bits. I had an audition for NYSSSA, otherwise known as the New York State Summer School of the Arts. As most of you probably know, I'm a true orchestra geek at heart, and I spend a lot of my free time either in orchestra playing bassoon, or doing something affiliated to playing. And I had been really psyched up for this audition because I really want to go to this camp. I know it would improve my plays g by leaps and bounds, and would be a good opportunity to see what it would be like to play music professionally (after all, the repertoire for the summer is whatever the Philly orchestra is playing during their next season). Anyways, I walked into the high school where auditions were held an I felt good about everything, and felt I had a good shot. Then I walked up to the registration table. I saw there was four other bassoonists from the county auditioning.

And it all went downhill from there.

I had normal anxieties before going into the actual audition, but as soon as I got in there, it had all washed away. But then I had to start playing. And sparing you the details, even though the solo portion wasn't that bad, the rest (and majority) of the audition went anything but swimmingly. It is very, very safe for me to say I will not be attending NYSSSA this summer. This all got me thinking though. If bassoon is something that I can afford to immerse myself in. I've been questioning if I even have the skill to ever do anything with it. And that worries me, because I know I love it to the ends of the earth and back. But even further thinking got me to ask myself if I'm good enough at anything to actually pursue anything, because I simply don't feel good enough to do anything. My writing for the past few months has felt completely inadequate and not at all like it used to be, I feel it's too late to get into the acting world simply because I'd be so behind the rest of the game, and now my music skills don't feel up to par anymore. Maybe I need to center and focus myself a bit? It might be time for me to stop exploring and center myself a little, so I can get better at the things I really love. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. The downward spiral of inadequacy and self-doubt I've been on has not been a pleasant journey. With all phases, however, I should sooner or later come out of this rut. Belly of the beast, right? Right.

On another note, the workshop today was just lovely. I feel I learned a lot just by watching Sabrina and Kadambari really dig into their own heads, and connecting their scene back to something that could feasibly happen in their own lives. After all, scripts are just words on paper for actors, and trying to put yourself into those words and into the character isn't always a successful way of creating a moving, or even good scene. You've got to feel the emotions, and not try and feel what you think the character would feel. I'm excited to go back tomorrow, and work on my monologue in the coming days. If you read all this, bless your heart.

Paranoia in B Major.

So my brother, Tommy, has been home for the past few weeks from school. Among the many things he picks on and critiques while back on the Island (he has become so opinionated, and to be frank, a total jackass at times), he finally brought up his favorite topic a few days ago: me. . I'm not sure why he does this, maybe because he thinks he's "older" and "wiser" after being in college for some time now, and has some "wisdom" to offer me about his "experiences,: but this is certainly not the case. Anyways, I had been talking to my mom about something that had to do with going to a music camp for the summer, and like he always does, he has to butt in with his two sense.

"'Music camp?' Huh, it's hardly a camp, you're working your summer away! It's more school! Don't you ever want to take a break instead of working all summer?" he spat.
"Well no, you see I'm already behind everyone else and I need to catch-"

If you know Tommy, you know it's needless to say I was not  allowed to finish my sentence. He then continued to almost yell at my mother about how I spend the summer doing this kind of stuff, so I can get myself ahead of the game and get better, and that it's appalling that I don't give myself a break, and how kids in general these days don't get a break from what they do. My mom, not even giving me a chance to butt back in replied with something about how "if she wants to do this when she grows up then now is the time to start in with the intense stuff," etc. etc.

Oh, but it did not end there. It never ends there with those two.

Now they've moved onto my future, about how if I grow up to be a musician then I can't be married  or ever have a family and I'll always be somewhere new because it's a finicky field to work in, and that I should get a stable job. Now I'm seething inside while these two bicker. I finally tell the two of them to shut it and leave the room.

In all honesty, it was too much to handle. My future, though approaching very quickly, is something I prefer not to think extensively about. So when people start talking about it, I'm already a bit on edge to begin with. But forget it when two people think they can start making decisions for me when we haven't even reached a point where I need to make those decisions. That is when I really get upset, because I've been raised in a household where I've been told I can be anything I want to be. It almost feels like my mom and brother are trying to rip that comforting blanket from under me.

Because aren't these my decisions to make? My worries and troubles to worry about? And most importantly, why can't I decide what to do with the few summers I have left? Playing and performing and singing music is something that I hold near and dear to my heart, so why not do it while I have the chance?

Because maybe I won't have the chance in the future. I think that is what is really getting to me here, what has sparked this whole post. There is something in the back of my mind, nagging me about how I'm not good enough to make a career out of any of this. That one day, practicality will win me over and I'll end up with a desk job that I don't really love. But I push through it, I keep practicing no matter what. There are going to be many sacrifices that come  with this, but I'll decide if I'm ready to make those when the time comes. And it will be me, and no one else (not even Tommy).

QuestionsQuestions: Acting Workshop Number One.

Pre-Audition Preparation

1. How did you prepare for the audition? 

-I spent any and all free moments I'd gotten throughout my Wednesday and Thursday reading through the script. Then, Thursday night I devoted a little more time to thinking about the character who she was even though I'd gotten a pretty good sense of her from the first few read throughs.

2. Did you apply any information or techniques from previous classes or experiences that was useful?

-I can't say I did apply any information or techniques to approaching this script. In fact, whenever I read a script andI don't automatically get a feel for the characters (which is a very rare occurrence), I feel like a deer in headlights and feel even overwhelmed by the whole thing at times. Auditioning for a role is still a very new concept to me, and even though I understand the basic etiquette of an audition (be polite and confident, dress nicely, never acknowledge any and all mistakes you might make, etc.) this feels different from what I've done before.

3. Did you research at all?

-I did not. I know I should have, but my head has been all over the place the past couple  of days and truthfully it didn't even occur to me until I was lying in bed on Thursday.

4. How did you approach the script?

-Well, I read it. And that really seemed to give me what I needed from it. It wasn't indecipherable, I immediately got a feel for both the characters and the scene. 

The Audition Itself

1. Recall how you think it went for you. Assess your strengths and shortcomings.

-Walking in, I was confident, and surprisingly not nervous. Nerves have become a routine part of auditions for me (so much so I might even break down a little right before or right after I walk out of the room), but this time I felt nothing. Which I'm guessing is a step in the right direction for the future. I was polite and attentive, but as soon as I started doing the read through I knew it was meek. I was meek. Something held me back. And after listening to criticism after the first time, I did as what I was told to do (which was for the most part what I wanted to walk in there and do).

2. How did you apply the information offered to you during your audition.

-I remember her saying something about picturing the guy that you really want for to come over and talk to you, but try and shrug it off a little. So there's apathy and snarky-ness at the forefront of your lines, but an undertone of excitement about this really hot guy talking to you. So, to sum that all up, you've got to bring the script back into YOUR life and YOUR experiences. Or else you won't get too far.

3. Do you think you did or didn't "get the part," and why. 

-Based on the entire audition, I'd say that I had a good shot at getting the part because even though my first read through had been weak, my second showed that I could not only apply critique to my technique, but also that there was more to me than what was hiding under the facade of the first go around.