Recently, I've been having a slew of worries concerning my future. This has been going on for a while now, and I've been able to build up some defense against these looming, dark thoughts. But Saturday, that wall had blown to bits. I had an audition for NYSSSA, otherwise known as the New York State Summer School of the Arts. As most of you probably know, I'm a true orchestra geek at heart, and I spend a lot of my free time either in orchestra playing bassoon, or doing something affiliated to playing. And I had been really psyched up for this audition because I really want to go to this camp. I know it would improve my plays g by leaps and bounds, and would be a good opportunity to see what it would be like to play music professionally (after all, the repertoire for the summer is whatever the Philly orchestra is playing during their next season). Anyways, I walked into the high school where auditions were held an I felt good about everything, and felt I had a good shot. Then I walked up to the registration table. I saw there was four other bassoonists from the county auditioning.
And it all went downhill from there.
I had normal anxieties before going into the actual audition, but as soon as I got in there, it had all washed away. But then I had to start playing. And sparing you the details, even though the solo portion wasn't that bad, the rest (and majority) of the audition went anything but swimmingly. It is very, very safe for me to say I will not be attending NYSSSA this summer. This all got me thinking though. If bassoon is something that I can afford to immerse myself in. I've been questioning if I even have the skill to ever do anything with it. And that worries me, because I know I love it to the ends of the earth and back. But even further thinking got me to ask myself if I'm good enough at anything to actually pursue anything, because I simply don't feel good enough to do anything. My writing for the past few months has felt completely inadequate and not at all like it used to be, I feel it's too late to get into the acting world simply because I'd be so behind the rest of the game, and now my music skills don't feel up to par anymore. Maybe I need to center and focus myself a bit? It might be time for me to stop exploring and center myself a little, so I can get better at the things I really love. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. The downward spiral of inadequacy and self-doubt I've been on has not been a pleasant journey. With all phases, however, I should sooner or later come out of this rut. Belly of the beast, right? Right.
On another note, the workshop today was just lovely. I feel I learned a lot just by watching Sabrina and Kadambari really dig into their own heads, and connecting their scene back to something that could feasibly happen in their own lives. After all, scripts are just words on paper for actors, and trying to put yourself into those words and into the character isn't always a successful way of creating a moving, or even good scene. You've got to feel the emotions, and not try and feel what you think the character would feel. I'm excited to go back tomorrow, and work on my monologue in the coming days. If you read all this, bless your heart.
Thanks for the blessing!
ReplyDeleteNow, as far as your audition goes, you never can tell. Often things go better than we thought. So wait to see.
You're good at many many things. The problem isn't that you're not god, the problem is that one of the things isn't sticking out quite enough above the others, that's all. Its called lots of talent, and you have that problem.
L