Today was...interesting, to say the least.
I sat down to write out this video diary of sorts that I'm doing, and suddenly I was completely struck with panic. I felt that I couldn't write what I wanted to, that whatever I would put down would never be good enough to please myself, or to make someone sit and think, which is my goal while writing. But today, I was sitting in front of a computer screen typing and deleting and retyping and deleting again because I wasn't pleased. Every time I went to go back over my work, I just wanted to sit there and cry because I felt inadequate in a way I have honestly never felt, and I really hated it.
I have never been so unsure of my own writing as I was today.
Maybe it's because I know I'm going to be saying these things for you all to hear. That I am going to let you hear what I have to say, what my creative mind is thinking, and it's so frightening to me. If some of you recall from last year, whenever I would hear my plays being read, I wouldn't look at the actors. I wouldn't listen. I always felt a painful sensation inside my chest. I didn't want to hear my own words, for some reason or another. And to think that I am going to be acting out my own writing is a thing that scares me to no end.
But nonetheless, I will do it. Come hell or high water, I am determined to get this done. And it will be good! Bold Optimism, right?
On another note, I did get a decent amount of writing done today. I might end up scraping it and redoing it again, but I still have something there to work with, which is somewhat comforting. Now that all the nerves are out, I'm thinking tomorrow will be much better. I want to get all the writing for this done by the end of the day tomorrow, so I have some time to film and do some minimal editing.
Until tomorrow.
What a great, honest post. We all go through exactly this sort of thing. You managed to describe it quite well, and you aren't alone.
ReplyDeletePress on!
Luke is totally right, and you pinned this problem right on the head. When my family wants to listen to my music, I either tell them to turn it off or I leave the room. I cant stand listening to the stuff I make when other people are listening with me. Perhaps it's fear, perhaps it's something else.
ReplyDeleteIt's really great how you're going out and performing this, even with your apprehensions. It's good to try the things you never thought you'd do, at least once. Who knows, perhaps with practice and experience, you'll feel a lot comfortable. I know I've been improving with this issue to a certain extent, although I still have ways to go. Hopefully you will improve as well!