Beginnings, etc.

This blog post will likely err on the short side, because (ironically enough) I need to start the paper that determines if I graduate this June or not.

Not starting projects until the last minute (with the exception of playing music, but even that I have trouble with starting) has become almost second nature to me. It's so easy not to start because by not starting, I'm not subjecting myself to any kind of critique or the opinion of anyone else. As mentioned in my previous blog post, a lot of what I think of myself rides on what other people think of me, but I'm still scared to know what those opinions could be. I'm slowly finding that the reasoning behind most of the ways I behave, whether it be in my work ethic, creative process, and even in my relationships is highly fear based. I am terrified of what other people think because my own opinions on anything and everything is not rooted to any one side, making my thoughts easily persuadable by almost anyone (on the same tangent, I'm glad that my thoughts on humanitarian matters don't function the same way. I can't imagine what I would be like if they did). I'm petrified constantly, whether I realize it or not, and beginning things is no exception to this rule.  To avoid acknowledging and dealing with the fear, I do things to numb my brain up a bit. This includes, but is in no way limited to, surfing social media, knitting, watching cooking shows, and sleeping. These things require either little thought or distract me from thinking about things that subject me to outside opinion, which is nice for a little while, especially for relaxing, but is toxic when it comes to being productive. So, the question that remains, is how do I actually get things done when it's necessary to?

It takes nothing short of a metaphorical gun to my head to get started on things. I need the "do or die" pressure to force myself into actually doing things. That's when I really get cracking on tasks of any kind. The problem with that, however, is that that kind of pressure doesn't come into play until the last minute. So it makes me wonder if a lot of the things I do suffer in quality because I do things this way. It could be a too little too late sort of thing, and if I started things earlier, quality could increase if I worked on things over time with the same mentality. I need to stop relying on that horrible pressure, or find a way to simulate it. That's what is stumping me about this whole starting things.