Some Plans for Q4.

A Major
     This quarter, I plan to continue studying more drama and film acting. I find it interesting and even quite challenging, so, why not? I'm relatively new to all of this acting and whatnot  so this'll probably be another quarter of exploring, with a tentative finished product at the end. I'll aspire to that, but not be devastated if I don't end up with one. An end result could possibly be a monologue or two, maybe a couple of scene from a play? There will almost definitely be some collaboration involved in this journey, considering the fact that I hate trekking through things alone, especially new things. As for community, well, I think I've lost my sense of it last quarter. I've mostly just relied on whoever my scene partner was at the time, and Luke for advice. While that is a community of some sorts, it's extremely small, and it's time to expand. The five criteria to evaluate my work by the end of this quarter will be as follows:

1. Log kept of rehearsals and my feelings, thoughts, etc. about them
2. Effective use of acting techniques
3. A scene and/or monologue that is presented at the end of the quarter
4. Having at least one book read for acting research (besides the biography) 
5. Use of at least one new acting technique (most likely more)

A Minor

     For a minor, I plan to do some work and research with music theory. It's something I've been interested in for a very long time, and I've never really had a push or some extra to really sit down throughly learn it. I've a very, very basic knowledge of this, so I'd have to start from the beginning. Hopefully this could lead to maybe some future composing, and if not, it'll help me with the musical stuff I already do. It's a win-win for me. Also, maybe start in on a little singing if that would be alright? If not, that's fine too.

A Book

     For a book, I'd really wanted to read a biography on Clifford Odets. His plays are wonderful, and I feel that if I got some insight on him, it could possibly help me when I work on his scenes, and just scenes in general. But since I can't find one of his biographies that is under 500 pages, I'm going to settle for learning a bit about Tennessee Williams (which isn't really settling at all). His plays are also lovely, and I think that getting insight into any mind of a playwright could help me with my acting (Luke, if  you'd like me to read something different, that's fine too).

Link to book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Kindness-Of-Strangers-Tennessee/dp/0306808056/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1366078456&sr=8-2&keywords=tennessee+williams+biography

Some Worries and a Workshop.

Recently, I've been having a slew of worries concerning my future. This has been going on for a while now, and I've been able to build up some defense against these looming, dark thoughts. But Saturday, that wall had blown to bits. I had an audition for NYSSSA, otherwise known as the New York State Summer School of the Arts. As most of you probably know, I'm a true orchestra geek at heart, and I spend a lot of my free time either in orchestra playing bassoon, or doing something affiliated to playing. And I had been really psyched up for this audition because I really want to go to this camp. I know it would improve my plays g by leaps and bounds, and would be a good opportunity to see what it would be like to play music professionally (after all, the repertoire for the summer is whatever the Philly orchestra is playing during their next season). Anyways, I walked into the high school where auditions were held an I felt good about everything, and felt I had a good shot. Then I walked up to the registration table. I saw there was four other bassoonists from the county auditioning.

And it all went downhill from there.

I had normal anxieties before going into the actual audition, but as soon as I got in there, it had all washed away. But then I had to start playing. And sparing you the details, even though the solo portion wasn't that bad, the rest (and majority) of the audition went anything but swimmingly. It is very, very safe for me to say I will not be attending NYSSSA this summer. This all got me thinking though. If bassoon is something that I can afford to immerse myself in. I've been questioning if I even have the skill to ever do anything with it. And that worries me, because I know I love it to the ends of the earth and back. But even further thinking got me to ask myself if I'm good enough at anything to actually pursue anything, because I simply don't feel good enough to do anything. My writing for the past few months has felt completely inadequate and not at all like it used to be, I feel it's too late to get into the acting world simply because I'd be so behind the rest of the game, and now my music skills don't feel up to par anymore. Maybe I need to center and focus myself a bit? It might be time for me to stop exploring and center myself a little, so I can get better at the things I really love. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. The downward spiral of inadequacy and self-doubt I've been on has not been a pleasant journey. With all phases, however, I should sooner or later come out of this rut. Belly of the beast, right? Right.

On another note, the workshop today was just lovely. I feel I learned a lot just by watching Sabrina and Kadambari really dig into their own heads, and connecting their scene back to something that could feasibly happen in their own lives. After all, scripts are just words on paper for actors, and trying to put yourself into those words and into the character isn't always a successful way of creating a moving, or even good scene. You've got to feel the emotions, and not try and feel what you think the character would feel. I'm excited to go back tomorrow, and work on my monologue in the coming days. If you read all this, bless your heart.

Paranoia in B Major.

So my brother, Tommy, has been home for the past few weeks from school. Among the many things he picks on and critiques while back on the Island (he has become so opinionated, and to be frank, a total jackass at times), he finally brought up his favorite topic a few days ago: me. . I'm not sure why he does this, maybe because he thinks he's "older" and "wiser" after being in college for some time now, and has some "wisdom" to offer me about his "experiences,: but this is certainly not the case. Anyways, I had been talking to my mom about something that had to do with going to a music camp for the summer, and like he always does, he has to butt in with his two sense.

"'Music camp?' Huh, it's hardly a camp, you're working your summer away! It's more school! Don't you ever want to take a break instead of working all summer?" he spat.
"Well no, you see I'm already behind everyone else and I need to catch-"

If you know Tommy, you know it's needless to say I was not  allowed to finish my sentence. He then continued to almost yell at my mother about how I spend the summer doing this kind of stuff, so I can get myself ahead of the game and get better, and that it's appalling that I don't give myself a break, and how kids in general these days don't get a break from what they do. My mom, not even giving me a chance to butt back in replied with something about how "if she wants to do this when she grows up then now is the time to start in with the intense stuff," etc. etc.

Oh, but it did not end there. It never ends there with those two.

Now they've moved onto my future, about how if I grow up to be a musician then I can't be married  or ever have a family and I'll always be somewhere new because it's a finicky field to work in, and that I should get a stable job. Now I'm seething inside while these two bicker. I finally tell the two of them to shut it and leave the room.

In all honesty, it was too much to handle. My future, though approaching very quickly, is something I prefer not to think extensively about. So when people start talking about it, I'm already a bit on edge to begin with. But forget it when two people think they can start making decisions for me when we haven't even reached a point where I need to make those decisions. That is when I really get upset, because I've been raised in a household where I've been told I can be anything I want to be. It almost feels like my mom and brother are trying to rip that comforting blanket from under me.

Because aren't these my decisions to make? My worries and troubles to worry about? And most importantly, why can't I decide what to do with the few summers I have left? Playing and performing and singing music is something that I hold near and dear to my heart, so why not do it while I have the chance?

Because maybe I won't have the chance in the future. I think that is what is really getting to me here, what has sparked this whole post. There is something in the back of my mind, nagging me about how I'm not good enough to make a career out of any of this. That one day, practicality will win me over and I'll end up with a desk job that I don't really love. But I push through it, I keep practicing no matter what. There are going to be many sacrifices that come  with this, but I'll decide if I'm ready to make those when the time comes. And it will be me, and no one else (not even Tommy).

QuestionsQuestions: Acting Workshop Number One.

Pre-Audition Preparation

1. How did you prepare for the audition? 

-I spent any and all free moments I'd gotten throughout my Wednesday and Thursday reading through the script. Then, Thursday night I devoted a little more time to thinking about the character who she was even though I'd gotten a pretty good sense of her from the first few read throughs.

2. Did you apply any information or techniques from previous classes or experiences that was useful?

-I can't say I did apply any information or techniques to approaching this script. In fact, whenever I read a script andI don't automatically get a feel for the characters (which is a very rare occurrence), I feel like a deer in headlights and feel even overwhelmed by the whole thing at times. Auditioning for a role is still a very new concept to me, and even though I understand the basic etiquette of an audition (be polite and confident, dress nicely, never acknowledge any and all mistakes you might make, etc.) this feels different from what I've done before.

3. Did you research at all?

-I did not. I know I should have, but my head has been all over the place the past couple  of days and truthfully it didn't even occur to me until I was lying in bed on Thursday.

4. How did you approach the script?

-Well, I read it. And that really seemed to give me what I needed from it. It wasn't indecipherable, I immediately got a feel for both the characters and the scene. 

The Audition Itself

1. Recall how you think it went for you. Assess your strengths and shortcomings.

-Walking in, I was confident, and surprisingly not nervous. Nerves have become a routine part of auditions for me (so much so I might even break down a little right before or right after I walk out of the room), but this time I felt nothing. Which I'm guessing is a step in the right direction for the future. I was polite and attentive, but as soon as I started doing the read through I knew it was meek. I was meek. Something held me back. And after listening to criticism after the first time, I did as what I was told to do (which was for the most part what I wanted to walk in there and do).

2. How did you apply the information offered to you during your audition.

-I remember her saying something about picturing the guy that you really want for to come over and talk to you, but try and shrug it off a little. So there's apathy and snarky-ness at the forefront of your lines, but an undertone of excitement about this really hot guy talking to you. So, to sum that all up, you've got to bring the script back into YOUR life and YOUR experiences. Or else you won't get too far.

3. Do you think you did or didn't "get the part," and why. 

-Based on the entire audition, I'd say that I had a good shot at getting the part because even though my first read through had been weak, my second showed that I could not only apply critique to my technique, but also that there was more to me than what was hiding under the facade of the first go around.

Man, today really fucking sucked. I usually never have shitty days, but I felt so miserable, and I'm sure it showed. I felt so distant from everything and everyone, as if I couldn't even talk. It was a hard day.

But then I got home. Relieved, I took a breath, and sat down and read for a little. It made the day a bit better. After that, I went to MYO (if you haven't already heard me talking about it because I never shut up about all the after school music I do because that's what takes up so much of my time, MYO is the Metropolitan Youth Orchestra and I sing in the Youth Chorale. Boys, if you're interested come join!). And man, something just clicked tonight. Immediately as soon as we started rehearsing, I felt immensely better. There was this intense sense of togetherness, connectedness. There was passion,  pure joy for the fact that choral music exists, and that we can get together for two and a half hours every week and express ourselves through it. I've realized that singing to me is such a relief to have, it makes me feel so much better. And to sing with other people that care about it as much as you do...it's truly a gift. As I look for words to describe how I feel about it, I realize there aren't any. I mean, I feel even better after a choir rehearsal or really nailing a piece than I do after nailing a bassoon solo or not screwing up in orchestra.

Just, wow.


It feels so wonderful to have something like that. Really.

Question Set Number Two.

1.How much time did you spend working?
     -I spent maybe, five or so hours writing (counting all that writing I ended up not using), and then about a hour and a half to two hours rehearsing, which was all I needed to feel pretty comfortable with the script.

2. How much time did you spend thinking about the work - sort of sitting there and staring at it, or listening to it over and over again, etc.?
    -Oh man, I spent a lot of time doing this. I'd give that a good two hours. I would go home and just read it over and over and over again, or say it over and over and over again. 


3. How much time did you spend doing other stuff that seems like work to that make you think you're working but you're not?
     -I don't think a whole lot. Every once in a while I would go back to reword sentences, usually just so I felt better about the way it flowed, which isn't usually necessary until the end. But I would be in the middle of writing and have to go back on fix it. I would also stop writing and watch the Delta Spirit music video over and over again, to give me something that I was looking for, but it never really helped all that much. It kind of wasted time.
4. How much time did you spend socializing?
     -The first day I spent very little time socializing. I sat and wrote. And it worked. The second, I slacked a little, but I still got some stuff done in class and a little more at home. Third day, I worried. I frantically wrote for some of class, but for most of it I tried to keep my mind off that project. Fourth day, I buckled down, and tried to do what I wanted to do, but just realized there wasn't enough time. So then I really shut myself up and worked on plan B.


5. How did you use your community?
     -I didn't use too much community on this project. I just used Anika and Jess and constant sounding boards because I was very unsure of all of this. So whenever I would write something, or even read something, I would have them listen, and they were both extremely understanding of it all.


6. Rip apart your awful project and how did such a disaster happen?
     -This project was nowheres near what it could have been. If I got my butt into gear a bit more, I could have pulled off that video I wanted to in the beginning. But since I couldn't even get through the writing portion, there was no way I would be able to it. And it made me so disappointed in myself. It could have been so much more, there could have been so much more substance there. The monologue was not the best, and I admit to that. It was almost standard but not quite. The acting could have been a bit more if I would learn how to control my voice, and my nerves. I have to stop getting so nervous over everything.


7. You've completed a step on your path. What is your next step?
     -The next step? I want there to be more acting, in fact, I want to learn the mechanics of scripts. I remember one day last year during the intensives, the writers sat in on one of the acting classes and we did some tablework with them. I want to start learning about that, and just act more in general and not go so blindly into things anymore. That's what acting has always been for me, that sense of  "here's a script, now read". I want more than that, I want to not feel lost.

Question Set Number One.

1.You've worked on a group film and on your own. In which situation are you most comfortable - group or solo? Which do you work best in?
     -I feel extremely comfy in group situations, because I don't have to lead in them. And if you haven't noticed by now, I am no good at leading things. So when I get to work with other people and bounce ideas off them yet not have to lead, I feel at home.  However, I think I get a lot more done, and truly work better by myself. Though I'm constantly worrying about everything I do, the product almost always turns out swell.

2.What did you learn that you expected to learn?
     -I learned how to critique myself. How to actually listen to something I've written, take it in, and fix what needs to be fixed. It is slowly getting easier for me to listen to my own work, to read it over again and again, and to edit it without feeling like crap. It's not quite entirely there, but it's getting there.

3. What did you learn that you didn't expect to learn?  
     -That I have more courage than I thought I did. All of Friday, I was dreading performing. I felt sick to my stomach. I tried thinking of ways to get me out of doing it (to no avail, obviously). So as my turn slowly approached, I could feel my heart pounding  and my stomach churning. And then Jessica went, blew me away, and that was the last straw. I felt nerves quite honestly pulsating through my body, and was frantically looking for a way out of doing this. But then, it came. I had to go. So through those tears, I went. I shook it off and did it. I usually just back out of things. But there was no way to back out, so I did it. I'm glad I worked up a bit of bravery. I also learned that any kind of art is completely and utterly autobiographical. This monologue really brought that to my attention.


4.What didn't you learn that you expected to learn?
     -I didn't learn if I could pull off a bunch of solid monologues. That's really what I wanted to get from this project, to get better at writing monologues because I've never been too good at it. But I think I eked out one done well, if that counts for anything.


5. Praise your amazing achievement and explain your brilliant plan for pulling it off.
     -Oh man, I am not going to lie, I was so proud of myself for staying up there and not giving up despite all those tears. Giving up probably wasn't an option, but I didn't care. If I had to describe those for days in two words, it would be bold optimism. That's the best thing I got out of this. I kept saying to myself "I will do this, and it will be good!" while writing, while practicing, and even while performing. It's what kept me going. And man, did I go. That monologue turned out to be more heartfelt and hurtful than I had ever planned, and that certainly wasn't the way I rehearsed it. That character was supposed to be indifferent. But I am so happy with the way it turned out. Because it made me uncomfortable, I think it even made you guys uncomfortable. That's the risk I wanted to take, and I did.